i Blog... i Mom

Today I am blogging from the warm glow of my i Pad. I decided that I want to try it. And since I'm not sure where the lap top is (all I know is that I can't reach it/ see it from my comfortable spot, right here on the couch) I've decided that today is the day to give 'er a try.

For those of you who:
a) aren't parents
b) aren't related to me
c) have a black black heart

You may not be interested in this post. I'll understand (actually I won't even know!) if you don't want to read this... but but there are just some things that need to be said. And those things are in regards to my son. Roland Marlow Wight.

I'm sorry. But I just have to gush.

Roly is so cute. He is the sweetest little boy. A cuddle from him fills my love tank to the brim. I just love him so much.

Today (and most days) was full of moments that made me feel so fully and sentimentally in love with this child.

To begin with, Dave brought him in to our room early this morning. We have some students here for a couple weeks, and we were hoping to keep Roly asleep while the girls got ready, which meant I got some sweet sleepy snuggles from the man child. When Dave put him down Roly nuzzled into me, looked up, smooched me on the lips, then went to sleep for an hour. It was adorable.

We had a little play date with my friend Meagan, and her little guy Henry, which has become one of those things in my week that I look forward to most. All we do is sit and talk while the boys play (and fight over toys) but I just really enjoy it. At one point Henry and Roland both wanted a ball. Meagan had them sit down. They sat across from each other and threw the ball back and forth a bit. It was so stinking cute. They are around the same age, and they just look like a couple of old men together. It felt like a glimpse into the future. I got that heart achy "my baby is growing up" feeling. I really have high hopes for this kid. I'm pretty sure every parent feels this, but I really think that Roland will do great things. I think he's amazing... and I'm not biased at all.

There was a second heart achey moment today, caused by my own foolishness. For weeks Roland was fine going down the stairs. He FINALLY agreed to be taught how to go down backwards, on his knees. But for the past week he has stopped doing that. He's also stopped the less safe alternative of sliding down on his bum. He either wants to walk down, one stair at a time, on his own 2 feet, or be carried. Well in my own stubbornness I got him started going down backwards today, then went ahead of him to grab shoes and jackets. I glanced up to see him standing up, still near the top. I scolded him for being silly, then reached for my shoes. I had one shoe half on when I heard the clunk. Several clunks (and I'm sure less than 2 seconds) later I caught him as he bounced onto the bottom step. He cried. I cried. I felt stupid and guilty and mostly my heart ached that he had just rolled down the stairs, and I could have prevented it. Poor child. It's too bad that he has to be the one to teach me lessons sometimes. He got a goose egg over his left eye, which I'm sure will be blue tomorrow. Just a reminder to me to be more patient with my darling boy, I guess.

We had a recovery cuddle, then eventually got out the door - to Thrifty Foods, where he got his free cookie and continued to wrap me around his outrageously chubby finger. He's starting to talk, and will imitate words and phrases I say when he's in some moods, or like today, he will repeat the only words he knows over and over. In the hour we spent at the store Roland barked at almost everyone he saw (woof is his 3rd favorite word), called every food he saw a "cracker" (one of two foods he can say) and said the word "ball" (his favorite word by far) 30 million times. He giggled the cutest little giggles that I ever did hear, as I tickled him under the chin through the chip and soap aisles. When we finally made it through the checkout and into the parking lot his eyes went wide, he pointed at the sky and yelled "Ball!" I looked up and saw the moon. "Not ball, moon." I said. "Moooooooo" he said, with lips that stuck out an inch. Over and over for the ride home he repeated, "Mooooooo."

Well, a few minutes ago he woke up crying. I'm not sure what woke him up. It could have been the movie we were watching (funny side note- I-robot is the only movie we have that has Chinese subtitles, thus the only movie we could watch with our students tonight!) but I didn't mind. Once Roly is in bed I miss him. There are some nights that I just need my peace and quiet, but mostly I love an excuse to go into his room. Once I'm in bed that's a whole other story. Once I'm asleep I'm like a hibernating bear that no one should try to awaken, but BEFORE I go to bed, I'm happy to get a pre-sleep snuggle from the little guy. And snuggle I did get. He put his head down on my chest as soon as I picked him up. He whined out a little "Mama," then was asleep before I made my way over to the rocking chair. Those snuggles are the best.

There's a little baby in my belly. I know that this baby is special. I know I will love this baby. I know it... but there are moments where I wonder. Where I wonder how people do it- how moms make room in their hearts to love all their babies. I wonder not IF, but HOW I will love this baby as much as I love Roland. But then I have moments- like today, when Roland lifted up my shirt, peeked under and said "baba" (his version of baby) with a smile. It's those moments where I realized that we are a family. It's not Roland vs. Baby. It`s me and Dave and our children. Roland, fetus, and whoever else the Lord wants to bless our lives with. We will fit together. There will be room in my heart for new baby, not because there's an empty space waiting, but because my days are spent stretching out this heart of mine, feeling more and more love than I ever knew I could. And I know that this baby will stretch it further- teach me lessons about patience and sacrifice, and ultimately, as my own family did, as Dave has done, and as Roland does every day, this baby will teach me lessons in Love.

i Love