Perspective

Happiness is such a relative word.

It's amazing what a change in perspective can do to really bring things into focus.

What we need. What we are grateful for. What we love. What makes us happy.

Sometimes it takes a violent sort of shaking; Two hands on your face, forcing you to look elsewhere, and not only to look, but to focus. 

That violence came for me in two forms last week. One was a book. The other a friend.

For book club this month we read A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini. It was enlightening and heart breaking. It caused me to look at my own life, and to see all I have. To see my own freedom- the rights that I take for granted every single day- because I have never know any different. To worship God when, where and the way that I want. To be educated. To have access to health care for myself and my family. To have my basic needs met. Food. Water. Warmth. Shelter.
More than anything, it made me look at my right to choose.
I live my life with the needs and desires of my children and my husband in mind- and I try to do all I can to keep them happy, but ultimately the choices that I make, as a wife, as a mother, as a woman are MINE. I am able to do what I want. Go where I want. Be who I want to be. It is my choice.

A Thousand Splendid Suns follows the lives of two women in Afghanistan. The things they went through were horrific. And they endured, at times, in defense of nothing more than their own lives. They made sacrifices for the future of their children, their families, and ultimately the future of their own country. But those sacrifices to bring about change that they experienced came only after years and years of enduring abuse, neglect, and disrespect from those who should have cared, supported and defended them; their families, laws, government and their country. 

This book left me in tears a few nights in a row. I would read until my iPad was dead, and then I would force myself to turn out the light and try to sleep. I would feel relief if I heard one of my children crying. Relief that I could hold them close and comfort them. Relief that our reality is so different from that in the book. 

I was feeling pretty raw, emotionally last week (I'll blame it on the book + lack of sleep) when a friend shared some news with me. She is young. In shape. She has a beautiful family. And she has cancer. It still brings tears to my eyes whenever I think about it. And thinking about it is a frequent occurrence. 
Dave gave a talk at church on Sunday. Thoughts of my friend and her young family interrupted every discussion we had, as Dave tried to prepare his talk, and as we tried to carry on through out the day.

Since hearing her news I've felt this cloudy sorrow looming; this helplessness, in wishing I could offer some real help- some real comfort or assistance. But at the same time I've felt this desperate sort of affection for the things in my own life. The things I need, the things I'm grateful for, the things I love and the things that make me happy. More than anything else, I felt this heart wrenching love for my husband and children. An adoration that can only be felt at the horrific threat or even thought of loss. And as I felt these things the word perspective slipped into my mind, and has floated there for days. I've had an amazing shift in perspective, as the things that truly matter float into focus.

And so, even though it's been an emotional week, it's been a good one. I have gratitude in my heart for this country. For my freedom. For the amazing individuals that I am blessed to know. I've hugged my children tighter this week. Breathed in their scent and tried to hold on to it. Kissed their tears with more tenderness. Nibbled their sweet toes with more affection. Laughed more. And yeah- cried harder. I've felt more appreciation for my husband. My hands find his more often. My head finds his shoulder with more warmth. I feel a greater measure of gratitude for all that I have. 

And through it all- I have realized something. 
I am happy.  

Step by Step

At this moment in time I should be surrounded by the people I love, gorging myself on some delicious homemade Turkey delights- but instead I sit in a silent house, with a sleeping baby on my lap. I sent Dave to his parents with Roly, and I just couldn't join them. I'm not really sure what's going on- I just feel awful, and can't bring myself to be around other human beings (except this sweet little angel) at the moment. I can't pin point the source of my rage, and although I'm embarrassed to admit that I've skipped out on Thanksgiving dinner to blog, the truth is that I just need to do some soul searching, and being near pumpkin pie while I feel like this is NOT a good idea. 

Pumkin Pie seems like a good place to start; I've been off treats for an entire month! It's been great. A lot easier than I thought it would be. I also went on Weight Watchers, and so I've been a lot more aware of what is going in my mouth. Food tastes so good to me now- fruit is so sweet, and my meals are so flavorful. I feel great after I eat. No guilty-gas pains. Dave and I have been running Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I've been going to Zumba on Tuesdays, and trying to do something different (ie: climb Mt. Doug) on Thursdays. In the last month I've lost about 15 pounds (18 if we are talking the dry hair-postworkout-prebreakfast-postpoo-butt naked-weigh in)

Although I've stayed strong with avoiding the treats- this week has not been a good one. I missed 2 of my runs, didn't track anything I ate on 4 / 7 days, and just felt crappy over all. I started feeling sick last weekend, and while my throat feels better now I just can't get passed this exhaustion. This means that I've been impatient with Roland, short with Dave, and hating myself because of those things. For the first time in my parenthood I feel like I'm in over my head in more than one situation per day. Roland is really giving me a run for my money these days, and I am constantly at the end of my rope when it comes to patience. 

I listened to and loved every session of General Conference this weekend. I felt uplifted and empowered as it ended. My desires to be a better parent a more faithful servant of God, and to feel more connected to my Saviour were all renewed. As Dave walked out the door tonight, I sat crying and wondering why I felt like this- when I had felt the spirit so strong over the past few days, and when today, of all days, I should be GRATEFUL for all I have. I opened my scriptures and started reading in Alma, as Alma is telling his son, Helaman, about his own experiences as a young man. As I read the word "bitterness" in 36:18 I realized that I felt that way. I felt this bitter taste in my mouth, towards the people around me and towards my current situation. I wondered why I'm struggling. Why Roland frustrates me so badly right now, why it was so hard to stay active this week, why I need Dave's constant verbal affirmations to feel good about my own physical progress (and feel like trash when I don't get it). This verse describes Alma finding solace in the Saviour. The next verse explains that as he did this, Alma could "remember (his) pains no more." As I read that the words came into my mind "ONE STEP AT A TIME." And I realized that's it. I'm frustrated with these issues because I know I want to get through them. I want to be a patient mother (to a well behaved toddler), I want to be in shape, I want to be skinny, I want to be attractive... But here's the thing! I can't just be those things - I have to become those things- one step at a time. 

And so, with this in mind, here are some steps I will take this week in order to become who I want to be:

1. Wake up and RUN. 

• No excuses this week- just run baby!

2. Read scriptures over breakfast every morning. 

• This is hitting a few birds with one stone.
•  When I sit down to eat breakfast it means I'm making breakfast first, which means Roly isn't eating cereal (which can't sustain anyone for any period of time).
• It also means he's not sitting watching Diego. Roland loves cartoons, and prying the iPad out of his hands creates rage from this sweet child like I never see otherwise. He's a lot happier without flashing screens... He just doesn't know it. 
• Reading in the morning invites the spirit into my heart and our home for the rest of the day.

3. Keep track of eating. 

4. Get a better/ more consistent bed time routine for Roly. 

• We just put him in a big boy bed! We are all a little frazzled and sleep deprived since the change. 

5. Take time for Roly

• Read books together before and after nap & whenever he wants. 
• Paint together
• Invite him to help me cook
• Take a deep breath and ask "why is he doing this" when he does something that makes me mad. 

Ok, I apologize for this post... It's a bit of an over share, and probably would have been better as a journal entry, but sometimes you do what you gotta do. 

2 down.

Another successful day. Day 2 out of 364 is complete. Horrah! 

Dave is more confused than ever about what I'm trying to accomplish, and although his only intent is to be supportive of me in this endeavor, he has  been asking me constant hypothetical questions about what I will or will not consume in the next year. To clear things up I made a list... on the back of a birthday card...and signed it... to make it seem more official.

I've been away for almost a month- spent a couple weeks in Edmonton, a week near Cranbrook, then a few days in Castlegar. It was a fun filled month, but by the time the drive home rolled around I was so done with being away from home. Being with my parents for the month was lovely- my only complaint is that my father will indulge my every whim, and because of that I ate a ridiculous amount of icecream. I was feeling ready for a big change, and as Dave and I drove we talked about my goal and how I would accomplish it. Once we started getting specific I needed to write things down. The only paper I could find was the birthday card my mom had just handed me, and so, as we drove, I used a purple pen to fill in 3 columns. These should clear things up to those interested in the specifics of the year.

< than

*dairy *meat *carbs

This has less to do with the "challenge" and more to do with a goal of healthy eating.

NO GO

*Pop *chips *candy *pastries *cookies *pie *doughnuts *icecream *fries *cake *cheesecake *chocolate *deep fried fast food (burgers, fried chicken, breaded fish, etc) *slurpees

This list may seem a bit redundant, but there are general foods that I'm avoiding, as well very specific ones, so I just needed to include those things on the list.

Ok

*Popcorn *Sugar free fruit crisps

I decided that I needed a bit of room for indulgence in not so bad stuff. These will be my 2 snacky-treats for the next year. I just couldn't bare the thought of going a year without crisps made from our apple & pear trees and the blackberries in our neighbourhood. It may take some creativity, but I will figure out a way to enjoy those crisps! As for popcorn- my sister got me a stovetop popcorn maker for my birthday. I decided it is a great/ not so bad thing to snack on from time to time. I will need to monitor my intake of these things to make sure I'm not just replacing every other treat with these 2. 

Comeback Tour - September 2012

I've been on a bloggie break for the last few months. Technical difficulties combined with a busier than usual life meant no blogging for me. But I've been craving it lately, and I'm excited to climb back on the wagon. 

I will take some time to tell you about the newest member of the Wight family, and her wonderful arrival some time soon. For now, let me just tell you that she is amazing. Her name is Violet June, and she is a bundle of peaceful perfection. 

Today, though, let me fill you in on my challenge. It's been brewing in my head for a while now, and I'm really excited to finally have the guts to commit. 

I'm not sure where to start in explaining my goal, and the intentions behind it...

I suppose I will start by explaining that I have a list- I guess you can call it a bucket list- but I believe I have entitled it "List of things to do before I die," or something like that.

Go skydiving - CHECK. Attend an Olympic event - CHECK. Have kids - CHECK. 

On this list there is an unchecked box next to the phrase "Go 1 year without sugar." The first time Dave saw this list he pointed that one out and said "Do you know how hard it is to go without ANY sugar? There's sugar in everything." This discouraged me. He said that there is sugar in bread, that fruit have natural sugars in them, and that it would be really hard for me to avoid it all. I tried to defend my goal, and said "I don't mean THAT kind of sugar." But he was right- I'd written down "Go 1 year without sugar" and I wasn't sure if I would be able to achieve my goal. I've thought about that goal lots over the past few years, and I've come to the conclusion that I wrote the goal down, so I get to decide what it means to me. 

So here is the real/revised/ what I meant all along GOAL:

I, ALISON WIGHT WILL

GO 1 YEAR (minus 1 day) WITHOUT JUNK FOOD

STARTING SEPTEMBER 5th, 2012, AND ENDING SEPTEMBER 4th, 2013
(when I bite into my birthday cake).

That is all! I've decided to do it now for a few reasons. 

First of all, sometimes a dare is all I need. As a kid I could have absolutely no desire to do something (ie- get out of the hot tub and roll around in the snow... brr- shivers down my spine just thinking about it), but if a dare was issued something in me would snap, and I would just put my head down and get it done. I don't know if that same thing snapped when I wrote down my "no sugar" goal, but I just feel like I need to do this. I feel that same 'snow-on-hot-skin' exhilaration every time I think about this challenge.  

I guess the second big reason for committing to this is that a friend has challenged me to run a half marathon next June. Although at first it terrified me I thought it through and realized that I have time. I have enough time to train properly- and as long as I have trained there should be no problem. I can do it! With this goal in mind, the wheels started turning, and I started to think about my own body, and how I would like to feel a year from now. It may seem naive to some (ie: ANYONE I've ever mentioned it to) but I was absolutely shocked when I heard that weight loss was 80% diet, and 20% exercise. I was always under the impression that I as long as I was active it didn't matter what I ate. 2 pregnancies and an adoration for anything sweet have proven to me that the amount of activity I do will NEVER be enough to prevent me from gaining weight if I don't change my diet. 

Because I have committed to get active, and be in shape, I decided that I wanted my body to reflect that. I now know that if I continue to eat the way I do that I will continue to look the way I do- even if my heart and lungs are feeling better. It just feels like a good time to cut it all out. 

The third reason is less about my body, and more about unhealthy patterns I have recognized in my life. As mentioned before I really love food. It plays a big part in my life. It's how I get through my 2 pm energy crash, it's how I entertain myself on evenings Dave isn't home, it's how I reward myself after a busy day, how I connect with friends, how I show love to my husband, and I think most disturbing of all, it is how I deal with emotional distress. Some people lose their appetite when they are upset- mine triples. I want to clear my life of these unhealthy patterns, while clearing my body of these unhealthy toxins. 

I know as soon as I post this people will tell me all the things that are wrong with this plan- but I'm going to tell you now, that I don't care about those things. I know that there are other plans out there- plans that will be a more effective way to lose weight, maybe plans that would allow me to still enjoy treats while achieving my other goals, plans that would detox my system in less time, and plans that would deal with my compulsive eating habits... but this is my plan! And this is exactly what I want to do. I'm really looking forward to how I will feel 1year from now. 1 day down, 363 to go, and I'm feeling great!

Nap Time.

I woke up today exhausted. I made a blurry eyed attempt at my day- showered, ate, made plans, etc, but after complaining enough and rubbing my eyes for several minutes in a row, I was banished, by my dear husband, to bed. I slept for 4 HOURS! I don't think that should be humanly possible for a... well... human to sleep for that long after a relatively good night's sleep, but for me it was oh so possible- and delightful. With the window open and a small breeze blowing through the room I snored the day away, and woke up when Dave had already put Roland down for an afternoon nap. 

I have always been a napper. It's one of my joys in life. You may think I'm just being dramatic by calling it a "joy." But I think I'm being quite accurate when I say that having a nap in the middle of the day is one of my favorite experiences in life. 

I come by it naturally. In all my years of life I can honestly say that I don't think I've ever seen my dad make it through a church meeting without falling asleep. Considering we went to church EVERY SUNDAY- that is a pretty reliable stat. I've seen my dad fall asleep mid-sentence. He can sleep anywhere- including behind the wheel of a car- but that's too frightening to think about. I remember being so frustrated when he would be the one to read me a story at night because he would without fail fall asleep halfway through. 

Although, I can remember falling asleep every day in kindergarten through grade 2 at story time. We'd all sit down in a semi-circle around Madame Soucy, who would hold up a book and begin to read. I would feel my head begin to bob before the first page was done. By the time they started showing us movies in school my head would drop to the desk minutes after the lights went out. There are movies that we watched (2001 Space Odyssey, Last of the Moheekans) that I know I sat through, but I can barely remember the opening credits. 

One summer I was a camp counselor at Especially for Youth. I did the Vancouver session, played for a week on Vancouver Island, then did 2 Calgary sessions. I think that basically meant that I was awake for a month straight. On the Saturday afternoon between Calgary sessions, as we prepared for the coming week, and recovered from the last, a group of counselors all sat together in a room- talking and snoozing. I fell asleep. Semi-consciousness would wave over me every once in a while to notify me that I was surrounded with a different group of people, but I was incapable of engaging with any of them. I was there, drifting in and out for hours. Eventually I heard one of my friends who I had originally sat down with re-enter the room and say "She's still sleeping? She's like a cat!" And though I don't think I was even able at that point to acknowledge what he had said I still think about it sometimes. I think it's hilarious. 

One time I was dating a guy who just didn't understand naps. He would get annoyed when I would need a nap. I was complaining about it to my darling friend and she looked at me, shrugged her shoulders, and said "He just doesn't understand that you are part sloth." Also- hilarious.

I'm not sure that a cat or a sloth are animals that I like being compared to. But the truth of the matter is that I loves my naps. And I've found a man who understands my need for them. I'm grateful that Dave can sense when the only cure is a nap. And I'm grateful that sometimes he joins me for them. 

blogger's guilt. the 1st.

So I somehow ended up at my blog via a different site, and found that there is actually a convenient little list of all of the posts I've entered- even the ones I haven't published. This one was written MONTHS ago, and I thought that I had deleted it by accident. I was so frustrated that I just turned the computer off and walked away, not even trying to retrieve it. But since I found it I MIGHT AS WELL share it, right? Here she is- the original 'blogger's guilt' post. 


I have a question. Do I have to blog everyday to be a blogger?
What if I only sit down at the computer once a week with the intent to blog, and only publish those attempts half of the time? This was one of the reasons I was hesitant to begin blogging in the first place: Bloggers guilt.
The truth is that I think about this blog often. Daily. Possibly hourly? I've started thinking in blog titles. And yet I don't make it to this point often enough. 'Why,' you may ask, don't I blog more often if so much of my thoughts are here?
Is it that I don't have time to spend staring at a screen? Well... no. That's not it. If that were the case I wouldn't be able to spend way too long, everyday, staring at those certain sites that have me secured with their flaxen cord.

So, it's not about time. Then what is it about? Part of it, I know is the fact that I love a good blog with plenty o' pics to break up the text. Not that a well written blog... or a well written anything, for that matter, should need pictures. But that' just what I like to see! So because I like to see it- I like to do it. I hesitate to share a post without having some sort of illustration/photo/graphic to back up my words. And sometimes waiting for my camera to load... or remembering after I've sat down that the camera is upstairs on the counter, while I have plunked myself down if front of our archaic computer downstairs is just enough to push me past my desire to blog, and into my desire to veg... upon one of the previously eluded to sites.
Besides the effort of the photo retrieving/uploading/editing/posting is the effort of the writing of the blog (not to be confused with the running of the bull). I think the point of me writing a blog is that I really enjoy writing. I think. And while I like to write I am not a speedy writer. I probably read each sentence on average 4 or 5 times before I click on the ever orange "publish post" button. Upon reflection, and now that I've read that sentence over 3 times, I'm re-estimating my reread of each sentence at closer to 8 or 9.  
So while I may not be a frequent blogger- please know that I am a blogger at heart.

Shut the craft up.

This morning I walked out of the house to find some friends weeding my garden. Needless to say I had tears in my eyes as I drove away. I'm grateful for people who act. My mind is full of good intentions... but unfortunately I lack follow through. I am so lucky to have people in my life, as well as to be married to someone, that acts on promptings they receive. Thanks Friends.

Flower Garden.

I've been wanting to put up a wreath on our door for months (since I took down our Christmas wreath, in fact) but I just haven't found something that's what I want. I finally got an image of what I wanted to make while in Walmart yesterday. I started it last night, and finished it this afternoon. I must say- I love it. With the newly weeded garden, freshly cut lawn, and brand spanking new siding finished on the side of the house it's a perfect way to finish off the lovely view as you walk up our driveway. 

Welcome to the Wight House!

I always like seeing other people's step by step process of crafts in picture form, but I never have enough confidence in what I'm doing to take pictures at each step. I can't stand it when people look over my shoulder at what I'm doing, and I feel like that's what I would be doing... to myself? Anywho- I'll explain what I did- because I love how it turned out!

1. I took a frame that was actually quite thin- probably a boarder of about 1 cm. I cut out some cardboard matting. to increase the width of the boarder.

2. Using a hot glue gun to secure the end I just wrapped jute around the frame. It took a while to get a knack for it, and to decide how I liked it, but eventually I decided that I liked a flat, orderly sort of look, versus a mish-mash look. The corners were tricky, and I did each one differently, but decided I liked the ones showing the best. 

3. I used acrylic craft paint to paint the wooden 'W' I'd purchased at walmart for about a buck. 

4. With scraps of fabric I've used in other projects (remnants of the bunting in Roland's room & scraps from his blankie) I made little fabric flowers. They are easy peasy to make- just cut out circles, fold them into quarters, and glue them into the shape of a flower. I swirled and glued the jute for the centers of each flower. I was planning on using buttons, but I liked how this looked more. 

5. I hot glued everything into place! 

6. I finished it by tying a loop of jute and hanging it from the hook I placed on our door at Christmas. It looked a bit sloppy for my liking (hence why you can't see it in the first picture) so I think I'll replace to loop with ribbon - an easy fix.

I just love getting my craft on!