Sisters

We had the lovely opportunity this Christmas of spending lots of time with lots of family. We spent a week in Edmonton with my family, then a week in Castlegar with Dave's. Over that time I was taken aback - over and over again - by the wonderful women I have in my life - the wonderful women I have in my family. 

I don't know why we do it, but way too often, as women, it's our first instinct to compare ourselves to other people, and feel resentment because of it. I had this beautifully liberating experience today as I reflected on my beautiful sisters, and recognized that their strengths don't make me weak. In fact, their strengths can strengthen me. What a thought! After reflecting on them and how much I adore them, as well as feeling like I'm ready, in this new year, to make some changes in my life, I've decided that my sisters are just the inspiration I needed to step up and take control of a few things. 

And so, to my beautiful, strong, empathetic, patient and sweet sister in law Lauren, I say Thank you. Thank you for your quiet words, and adorable giggles. Thank you for being such an amazing example to me of hard work and determination. Thank you for being one of the most positive people I've ever met; for making really hard situations seem doable, maybe even enjoyable. Thank you for your testimony of the Savior, Jesus Christ. You amaze me. Because of you, I want to work this year on my own relationship with my Savior. I want to invite him more fully into my heart and life. I want my scripture study to be more consistent and my prayers to be more fervent. I want to share with you in your conviction of our Redeemer.

To my darling, sister in law, Laura- with your perfect skin and gorgeous hair. With your dance moves that put the rest of us to shame, your style, your creative spirit, your no nonsense attitude towards things. I thank you, my sweet friend, for your ability to get 'er done. No questions asked. I was overwhelmed with admiration for you this Christmas. You know your needs and the needs of your boys and you set out to meet them unapologetically. You press on with faith, with hope, with grace. You set goals, and you work to meet them. You make quiche that tastes like rainbow's tears and angel's breath. You dip things in chocolate and make cookies that taste like flowers. You don't doddle around a subject - you address it. You inspire me to want to set goals, and look at how I'm going to accomplish them instead of why they aren't going to work. You make me want to be a better friend, a better mom, a better cook, and a better steward of this planet. You make me want to stop asking how or why or when. You make me want to do it. This year, I am going to cook. I am going to look for recipes and make them. For years I felt this looming sense of failure hanging over my head with each and every meal I make. Because of you I'm kicking that to the curb. I'm learning to cook this year. 

To Bonny. The most practical human being I have ever met. So generous and thoughtful, so kind hearted and sweet. So adventurous and loving. So organized, so tidy, so clean. So. Clean. The smile on your face, at the skating rink, when we stepped on the ice with 10 kids in tow will forever more be how I think of you. You are so good at keeping things simple, at stripping away the useless, and making an experience out of the basics. I really just love being around you. After spending almost a week at your house I came home wanting to purge my house of all the excess. I want to declutter. I want to take my kids on adventures and find happiness with them without the trap of consumerism sneaking its way into our days. I want to stop buying junk and eating junk and saving junk. I want to feel content and at peace within my home. The way I feel in yours. 

There are more. My amazing sister Amie - the most inspiring human and mother I've ever known. Shannon, who oozes creativity and ingenuity. Nicole, the most single minded, open hearted lady I've ever met. Janelle, who knows her needs and speaks her mind. My mom, my mother in law, and my other mother in law. I am so blessed to have so many women in my life that I adore. So many women that inspire me to be better. Women that strengthen me and give me hope.

In conversations, lately, about who we would ask to care for our babies if something were to happen to us, we have come to no conclusion. I feel awful admitting that we don't have a plan for this, but we are in the unique situation of not being able to decide between too many wonderful people. We know that if we were gone, our families would be there. To take care of the physical, emotional and spiritual needs of our 3 sweet babes. We know some are better suited to care for a wildly emotional 4 year old boy. Some are more well off financially. Some are better at connecting to a certain unapproachably sassy 2 year old. Some will keep them connected to this island I love so much. Some will be better at keeping them connected to both sides of the family. But all of them. ALL OF THEM, would love our children. All of them would do all that they could to shelter them and nurture them and share their wonderful gifts with them. 

These thoughts took a turn I wasn't expecting, but I suppose I went there because I want to share that ultimately I admire these women because they have qualities that I would love my children's mother to have. And if knowing them makes it possible for me to become like them in any way, then I and my children are very blessed indeed. I am so grateful to know these beautiful women and to have them in my life. 

Christmas Card

Family, Friends & Neighbours,

What a beautifully busy year it’s been! Dave has been working sun up to sun down with Garage Door Depot. He crushed a homerun in his final baseball game this summer, helping his team become city champs. Mr. Roland (4) has had a fun year with blast ball, (Dave was his coach), swimming lessons and a preschool class. He regularly assigns each of us a new super-identity and will often only respond to the name “Spiderman.” He loves a snuggle and a story more than anything. Our sweet and sassy Violet June (2) is spending this holiday season potty training…and testing our patience. “Though she be but little she is fierce,” She is always making us laugh, especially with her wide eyes and determination. She loves puzzles and songs, and unlike her big brother (who will do anything to avoid solitude) loves to be independent and work things out on her own, Ali loves going on daily adventures with the kids. They are usually found bombing around Victoria, going to the pool, the beach, parks, the petting zoo, the aquarium, or the grocery store. Ali spent the first 9 months of the year growing a baby. Sweet Maebel Anne entered the world at home on Aug 28th. Roly & Vity adore their baby Maebe and are constantly announcing “Baby Maebel smiled at me!” She is an amazing sleeper and is so good to her mama. We have been blessed beyond measure and are so thankful for our little brood and the adventure they provide. Wishing you peace, joy, & love.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

Dave, Ali, Roland, Violet & Maebel

Bloggoni

Oh, hey blog. It's been a while. A friend sent me a text the other day and mentioned something from my blog.

"Blog?" I thought. "I have a blog?" 

It got me thinking back to all the good times we've had Mr. Blogerino. The emotional overshares. The embarrassingly revealing details of my life spewed across a page, and put out there into the world for other people to take in. The regret I would feel soon after posting something. How I would sometimes sit, with the mouse hovering over the "delete" button any time anyone would draw attention to the fact that it existed. 

My experience with blogging feels kind of like a junior high slumber party: You have a good time while you're there- staying up way too late eating cheese puffs and not brushing your teeth. But then the sleeping bags are brought out and people start asking "truth or dare." And you start saying things you aren't sure you actually want other people to know, and dropping names you're sure you don't want to reveal. But in the moment it seems fine, even fun. And before you know it you're sitting in science class and the girl who was pretending to be asleep at the slumber party is asking the boy who sits two rows in front of you if he'll go out with you and you are so embarrassed you think you might throw up... or something... ? You know?

So with those thoughts looming at the back of my mind I've decided I think I want to start blogging again. I already overshare on a daily basis via instragram. I might as well make it official and add some thoughts to my constant posting of photos. Right? Maybe. We'll see. 

Perspective

Happiness is such a relative word.

It's amazing what a change in perspective can do to really bring things into focus.

What we need. What we are grateful for. What we love. What makes us happy.

Sometimes it takes a violent sort of shaking; Two hands on your face, forcing you to look elsewhere, and not only to look, but to focus. 

That violence came for me in two forms last week. One was a book. The other a friend.

For book club this month we read A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini. It was enlightening and heart breaking. It caused me to look at my own life, and to see all I have. To see my own freedom- the rights that I take for granted every single day- because I have never know any different. To worship God when, where and the way that I want. To be educated. To have access to health care for myself and my family. To have my basic needs met. Food. Water. Warmth. Shelter.
More than anything, it made me look at my right to choose.
I live my life with the needs and desires of my children and my husband in mind- and I try to do all I can to keep them happy, but ultimately the choices that I make, as a wife, as a mother, as a woman are MINE. I am able to do what I want. Go where I want. Be who I want to be. It is my choice.

A Thousand Splendid Suns follows the lives of two women in Afghanistan. The things they went through were horrific. And they endured, at times, in defense of nothing more than their own lives. They made sacrifices for the future of their children, their families, and ultimately the future of their own country. But those sacrifices to bring about change that they experienced came only after years and years of enduring abuse, neglect, and disrespect from those who should have cared, supported and defended them; their families, laws, government and their country. 

This book left me in tears a few nights in a row. I would read until my iPad was dead, and then I would force myself to turn out the light and try to sleep. I would feel relief if I heard one of my children crying. Relief that I could hold them close and comfort them. Relief that our reality is so different from that in the book. 

I was feeling pretty raw, emotionally last week (I'll blame it on the book + lack of sleep) when a friend shared some news with me. She is young. In shape. She has a beautiful family. And she has cancer. It still brings tears to my eyes whenever I think about it. And thinking about it is a frequent occurrence. 
Dave gave a talk at church on Sunday. Thoughts of my friend and her young family interrupted every discussion we had, as Dave tried to prepare his talk, and as we tried to carry on through out the day.

Since hearing her news I've felt this cloudy sorrow looming; this helplessness, in wishing I could offer some real help- some real comfort or assistance. But at the same time I've felt this desperate sort of affection for the things in my own life. The things I need, the things I'm grateful for, the things I love and the things that make me happy. More than anything else, I felt this heart wrenching love for my husband and children. An adoration that can only be felt at the horrific threat or even thought of loss. And as I felt these things the word perspective slipped into my mind, and has floated there for days. I've had an amazing shift in perspective, as the things that truly matter float into focus.

And so, even though it's been an emotional week, it's been a good one. I have gratitude in my heart for this country. For my freedom. For the amazing individuals that I am blessed to know. I've hugged my children tighter this week. Breathed in their scent and tried to hold on to it. Kissed their tears with more tenderness. Nibbled their sweet toes with more affection. Laughed more. And yeah- cried harder. I've felt more appreciation for my husband. My hands find his more often. My head finds his shoulder with more warmth. I feel a greater measure of gratitude for all that I have. 

And through it all- I have realized something. 
I am happy.  

Step by Step

At this moment in time I should be surrounded by the people I love, gorging myself on some delicious homemade Turkey delights- but instead I sit in a silent house, with a sleeping baby on my lap. I sent Dave to his parents with Roly, and I just couldn't join them. I'm not really sure what's going on- I just feel awful, and can't bring myself to be around other human beings (except this sweet little angel) at the moment. I can't pin point the source of my rage, and although I'm embarrassed to admit that I've skipped out on Thanksgiving dinner to blog, the truth is that I just need to do some soul searching, and being near pumpkin pie while I feel like this is NOT a good idea. 
Pumkin Pie seems like a good place to start; I've been off treats for an entire month! It's been great. A lot easier than I thought it would be. I also went on Weight Watchers, and so I've been a lot more aware of what is going in my mouth. Food tastes so good to me now- fruit is so sweet, and my meals are so flavorful. I feel great after I eat. No guilty-gas pains. Dave and I have been running Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I've been going to Zumba on Tuesdays, and trying to do something different (ie: climb Mt. Doug) on Thursdays. In the last month I've lost about 15 pounds (18 if we are talking the dry hair-postworkout-prebreakfast-postpoo-butt naked-weigh in)
Although I've stayed strong with avoiding the treats- this week has not been a good one. I missed 2 of my runs, didn't track anything I ate on 4 / 7 days, and just felt crappy over all. I started feeling sick last weekend, and while my throat feels better now I just can't get passed this exhaustion. This means that I've been impatient with Roland, short with Dave, and hating myself because of those things. For the first time in my parenthood I feel like I'm in over my head in more than one situation per day. Roland is really giving me a run for my money these days, and I am constantly at the end of my rope when it comes to patience. 
I listened to and loved every session of General Conference this weekend. I felt uplifted and empowered as it ended. My desires to be a better parent a more faithful servant of God, and to feel more connected to my Saviour were all renewed. As Dave walked out the door tonight, I sat crying and wondering why I felt like this- when I had felt the spirit so strong over the past few days, and when today, of all days, I should be GRATEFUL for all I have. I opened my scriptures and started reading in Alma, as Alma is telling his son, Helaman, about his own experiences as a young man. As I read the word "bitterness" in 36:18 I realized that I felt that way. I felt this bitter taste in my mouth, towards the people around me and towards my current situation. I wondered why I'm struggling. Why Roland frustrates me so badly right now, why it was so hard to stay active this week, why I need Dave's constant verbal affirmations to feel good about my own physical progress (and feel like trash when I don't get it). This verse describes Alma finding solace in the Saviour. The next verse explains that as he did this, Alma could "remember (his) pains no more." As I read that the words came into my mind "ONE STEP AT A TIME." And I realized that's it. I'm frustrated with these issues because I know I want to get through them. I want to be a patient mother (to a well behaved toddler), I want to be in shape, I want to be skinny, I want to be attractive... But here's the thing! I can't just be those things - I have to become those things- one step at a time. 
And so, with this in mind, here are some steps I will take this week in order to become who I want to be:
1. Wake up and RUN. 

• No excuses this week- just run baby!

2. Read scriptures over breakfast every morning. 

• This is hitting a few birds with one stone.

•  When I sit down to eat breakfast it means I'm making breakfast first, which means Roly isn't eating cereal (which can't sustain anyone for any period of time).

• It also means he's not sitting watching Diego. Roland loves cartoons, and prying the iPad out of his hands creates rage from this sweet child like I never see otherwise. He's a lot happier without flashing screens... He just doesn't know it. 

• Reading in the morning invites the spirit into my heart and our home for the rest of the day.

3. Keep track of eating. 4. Get a better/ more consistent bed time routine for Roly. 

• We just put him in a big boy bed! We are all a little frazzled and sleep deprived since the change. 

5. Take time for Roly

• Read books together before and after nap & whenever he wants. 

• Paint together

• Invite him to help me cook

• Take a deep breath and ask "why is he doing this" when he does something that makes me mad. 

Ok, I apologize for this post... It's a bit of an over share, and probably would have been better as a journal entry, but sometimes you do what you gotta do. 

2 down.

Another successful day. Day 2 out of 364 is complete. Horrah! 

Dave is more confused than ever about what I'm trying to accomplish, and although his only intent is to be supportive of me in this endeavor, he has  been asking me constant hypothetical questions about what I will or will not consume in the next year. To clear things up I made a list... on the back of a birthday card...and signed it... to make it seem more official.

I've been away for almost a month- spent a couple weeks in Edmonton, a week near Cranbrook, then a few days in Castlegar. It was a fun filled month, but by the time the drive home rolled around I was so done with being away from home. Being with my parents for the month was lovely- my only complaint is that my father will indulge my every whim, and because of that I ate a ridiculous amount of icecream. I was feeling ready for a big change, and as Dave and I drove we talked about my goal and how I would accomplish it. Once we started getting specific I needed to write things down. The only paper I could find was the birthday card my mom had just handed me, and so, as we drove, I used a purple pen to fill in 3 columns. These should clear things up to those interested in the specifics of the year.

< than

*dairy *meat *carbs

This has less to do with the "challenge" and more to do with a goal of healthy eating.

NO GO

*Pop *chips *candy *pastries *cookies *pie *doughnuts *icecream *fries *cake *cheesecake *chocolate *deep fried fast food (burgers, fried chicken, breaded fish, etc) *slurpees

This list may seem a bit redundant, but there are general foods that I'm avoiding, as well very specific ones, so I just needed to include those things on the list.

Ok

*Popcorn *Sugar free fruit crisps

I decided that I needed a bit of room for indulgence in not so bad stuff. These will be my 2 snacky-treats for the next year. I just couldn't bare the thought of going a year without crisps made from our apple & pear trees and the blackberries in our neighbourhood. It may take some creativity, but I will figure out a way to enjoy those crisps! As for popcorn- my sister got me a stovetop popcorn maker for my birthday. I decided it is a great/ not so bad thing to snack on from time to time. I will need to monitor my intake of these things to make sure I'm not just replacing every other treat with these 2. 

Comeback Tour - September 2012

I've been on a bloggie break for the last few months. Technical difficulties combined with a busier than usual life meant no blogging for me. But I've been craving it lately, and I'm excited to climb back on the wagon. 

I will take some time to tell you about the newest member of the Wight family, and her wonderful arrival some time soon. For now, let me just tell you that she is amazing. Her name is Violet June, and she is a bundle of peaceful perfection. 

Today, though, let me fill you in on my challenge. It's been brewing in my head for a while now, and I'm really excited to finally have the guts to commit. 

I'm not sure where to start in explaining my goal, and the intentions behind it...

I suppose I will start by explaining that I have a list- I guess you can call it a bucket list- but I believe I have entitled it "List of things to do before I die," or something like that.

Go skydiving - CHECK. Attend an Olympic event - CHECK. Have kids - CHECK. 

On this list there is an unchecked box next to the phrase "Go 1 year without sugar." The first time Dave saw this list he pointed that one out and said "Do you know how hard it is to go without ANY sugar? There's sugar in everything." This discouraged me. He said that there is sugar in bread, that fruit have natural sugars in them, and that it would be really hard for me to avoid it all. I tried to defend my goal, and said "I don't mean THAT kind of sugar." But he was right- I'd written down "Go 1 year without sugar" and I wasn't sure if I would be able to achieve my goal. I've thought about that goal lots over the past few years, and I've come to the conclusion that I wrote the goal down, so I get to decide what it means to me. 

So here is the real/revised/ what I meant all along GOAL:

I, ALISON WIGHT WILL

GO 1 YEAR (minus 1 day) WITHOUT JUNK FOOD

STARTING SEPTEMBER 5th, 2012, AND ENDING SEPTEMBER 4th, 2013
(when I bite into my birthday cake).

That is all! I've decided to do it now for a few reasons. 

First of all, sometimes a dare is all I need. As a kid I could have absolutely no desire to do something (ie- get out of the hot tub and roll around in the snow... brr- shivers down my spine just thinking about it), but if a dare was issued something in me would snap, and I would just put my head down and get it done. I don't know if that same thing snapped when I wrote down my "no sugar" goal, but I just feel like I need to do this. I feel that same 'snow-on-hot-skin' exhilaration every time I think about this challenge.  

I guess the second big reason for committing to this is that a friend has challenged me to run a half marathon next June. Although at first it terrified me I thought it through and realized that I have time. I have enough time to train properly- and as long as I have trained there should be no problem. I can do it! With this goal in mind, the wheels started turning, and I started to think about my own body, and how I would like to feel a year from now. It may seem naive to some (ie: ANYONE I've ever mentioned it to) but I was absolutely shocked when I heard that weight loss was 80% diet, and 20% exercise. I was always under the impression that I as long as I was active it didn't matter what I ate. 2 pregnancies and an adoration for anything sweet have proven to me that the amount of activity I do will NEVER be enough to prevent me from gaining weight if I don't change my diet. 

Because I have committed to get active, and be in shape, I decided that I wanted my body to reflect that. I now know that if I continue to eat the way I do that I will continue to look the way I do- even if my heart and lungs are feeling better. It just feels like a good time to cut it all out. 

The third reason is less about my body, and more about unhealthy patterns I have recognized in my life. As mentioned before I really love food. It plays a big part in my life. It's how I get through my 2 pm energy crash, it's how I entertain myself on evenings Dave isn't home, it's how I reward myself after a busy day, how I connect with friends, how I show love to my husband, and I think most disturbing of all, it is how I deal with emotional distress. Some people lose their appetite when they are upset- mine triples. I want to clear my life of these unhealthy patterns, while clearing my body of these unhealthy toxins. 

I know as soon as I post this people will tell me all the things that are wrong with this plan- but I'm going to tell you now, that I don't care about those things. I know that there are other plans out there- plans that will be a more effective way to lose weight, maybe plans that would allow me to still enjoy treats while achieving my other goals, plans that would detox my system in less time, and plans that would deal with my compulsive eating habits... but this is my plan! And this is exactly what I want to do. I'm really looking forward to how I will feel 1year from now. 1 day down, 363 to go, and I'm feeling great!