One of those days...

I woke up this morning with sunshine all around me. Today is one of those gorgeous spring days that I crave throughout the rest of the year. Sunshine, blossoms, green grass & still. While I was in the shower I kept thinking about how badly I wanted pancakes and by the time I was dressed, in my springiest dress, Dave had read my mind and made them. They were delicious... but sitting down to eat set us back, causing the last few minutes before church to be a mad rush. There was sunshine all around me, and I had absolutely nothing to complain about, but a dark cloud was forming in my mind; I was grouch. 


Church was fine. Roland was well behaved, and Dave took him out when he could sit for no longer. Dave and I sat together in Sunday school... maybe for the first time since we've been married? It's been a LONG time since neither of us were teaching primary on Sunday. We even got to hold a lovely little baby - a perfect little boy for a few minutes. Dave put his arm around me, and even gave me a smooch when I went off to Relief Society. 


I hate sharing this, because it makes me seem crazy. I feel like I'm a pretty level headed human being, but at times as a woman... and more often as a pregnant woman especially, I am an emotional being! I have these days where attacks of emotion cause a constant lump in my throat that is impossible to explain away. Today was one of those days. A simple comment, made in passing, with a smile on the face of this sweet woman that I visit teach hurt my feelings and brought the lump into my throat. We were talking about my due date, and she laughed and said "are you sure there's only one in there?" Good one. It hurt my feelings for a few reasons- maybe because I'm feeling (and thought I was looking) pretty dang good - I still fit into normal jeans. I've been active- walking, biking, swimming. I was on skype a few weeks ago and someone said it looked like I'd lost weight (obviously not true, but it was nice to hear). So that comment, made in innocence, just a lady trying to crack a joke cracked my sun shiny glasses, and let the clouds roll in. It was fast Sunday, and although I wasn't fasting (ie: previously mentioned pancakes) I was trying to be respectful to the people around me, and refrain from the constant drinking of water, and snacking that I've become accustomed to. The nauseous head ache had set in, and I was irritable.


I sat there for the rest of Relief Society, hearing a wonderful lesson about the worth of souls. It was beautiful, but I felt disconnected. The teacher asked for comments about a specific circumstance; one I had found myself in in the past, and had got through with the Savior's help. And yet, I couldn't bring myself to comment. I just wasn't feeling it. 


By the time we got home from church I was done emotionally. Dave was being sweet. He took over prep for supper, while I made lunch... but a few simple comments from him landed me in bed with a tear stained pillow. They weren't mean comments, not even offensive on a normal day: some constructive criticism about the dinner rolls I had made the day before, and some poking fun at my spelling on the list of Japanese words on our fridge- but to me in that moment, I just couldn't handle it. I ate lunch begrudgingly, then went to bed for a few hours, leaving Dave to make supper, put Roland down and get Roland up... yes I outnapped my 19 month old. But I woke up with a new perspective and apologies on my lips. 


I hate it when I get like this, but I don't know how to stop myself. I remember the feeling, as a teenager- just screaming at my mom, slamming the door, then thinking "I don't even know why I did that. I'm not really that mad." I thought I'd get over those hormonal outbursts as I got older. It happens about once a month when I'm not pregnant, and way too often while I am, that my emotions get the best of me. That I am irritable, and angry, quick to take offense, and quick to dish it out. Like I said before, I think of myself as a pretty level headed human being... but on days liek today it doesn't take much to tip the scales one way or the other.


One day a few months ago Dave was in another room, and I called to him. 
He came out, looking concerned and said "What?" with a tone of fear and remorse. 
"Nothing." I replied, "I was just wondering... " 
But then I thought for a second, and said "What did you think I was going to ask you?" 
He admitted he thought he was in trouble for something. I laughed and apologized that he lived in constant fear of his wife. 
He smiled and said "It's not constant fear. Only when you're pregnant, or have your period."
I thought for a few seconds... at that point in our lives together that came to about 3/4 of our marriage that Dave had spent in fear of this old lady. Poor Dave.


I don't know what today's lesson is. Perhaps that I need to have lunch and take a nap a little sooner next time? Perhaps that I need medication and counselor? Maybe that I need to wear a sign around my neck on days like today that reads "If you talk to me I'll probably start crying. Approach at your own risk." And maybe this is it. My life I mean. Maybe this is who I am, and what I need to learn to deal with. Something I need to deal with without burning bridges and hurting the feelings of those I love every 4 weeks, or for 9 months straight every couple of years. I guess, this is another opportunity that I have to go to the Lord, and say that this experience is more than I can tackle on my own. With His help maybe I can get through it all- with less tears, less tearing remarks, and more love. 
I hope so (and I'm pretty sure Dave hopes so too).

Good Morning! Good Morning!

I'm not a morning person. I was nervous about becoming a mother for a few reasons, but my biggest fear (no matter how ridiculous this seems) was about sleep. I love to sleep, and I wasn't sure how I would react to a baby when I was deprived of it. Turns out I had a baby that also loved to sleep. We slept in until 10 am every morning for Rolands first 8 months of life. It was delightful.

When Roland had just turned 1, I was finally feeling like I needed to get my butt in gear and get back into shape. I enrolled in a bootcamp, in which there were 2 options: 6 am or 6 pm. I obviously wanted to go at 6 pm. Dave's schedule is super unpredictable, and when he's busy with his job the majority of his appointments should actually be in the evenings. So in my attempt to be supportive of him, as well as for a guarantee that he would be home to watch Roland (I didn't need any excuses to miss this thing!), I signed up for the morning class. This decision changed my life!
It was through groupon, and I got 6 weeks for super cheap. I really enjoyed it, saw results after just a few weeks, and would/should/could have continued, except I found out I was preggo, and felt like pushing my body to the point of pure exhaustion twice a week wasn't a good choice for me at that time. I'm still not sure if I made the right choice by not going back after those 6 weeks. But I do know that I WILL go back after baby #2 is born.

http://www.successfitness.ca/boot-camp.shtml 

I enjoyed this experience for so many reasons. I loved what I learned about myself. I loved feeling like an athlete again. I loved going from the slowest one, (ok, I HATED BEING THE SLOWEST ONE) that had to lay on the bathroom floor halfway through the first class so I didn't toss my cookies all over the gym, to being able to compete with the people who had been enrolled in the class for the past few years. I loved that the class was ultimately designed and measured according to personal bests. It was about doing my best, where I was, individually. But there were people around me that would encourage me and challenge me to do better and to work harder. I loved coming home and finding my boys still in bed, happy to see me. I loved being drenched in sweat and feeling strong.

But the thing that I loved, that surprised me the most, was how much I loved waking up early. I loved knowing that even if I didn't do anything else that day I would have accomplished something. I loved beating the sun up, and having her guide me home. I loved feeling tired- really really tired - at the end of the day. No reward is as good as falling into bed at night when your muscles are aching and your eyes are burning.
We had to make changes in our habits to make this work. I will admit that we are kind of tv junkies. We wind down at the end of most days with an episode or 2 of our favorite shows. Midnight (or later) was the standard time we'd roll into bed. We'd awake the next morning, bleary eyed and tired, arguing over who should get Roland, and trying to squeeze every last minute out of our sleep. The truth is that I probably wasn't sleeping well through the night because I wasn't using my body through the day to do what it was designed for- to move.
So! We committed to be in bed by 10 pm every night- not just the nights before boot camp- every night. It is amazing what going to bed early, having a solid sleep, then waking up early can do to a person! It really did change my outlook on the world. I felt a million times better!
I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I've consistently been going to bed, sleeping well, waking up and working out since I gained my new outlook. In fact twice this week we stayed up passed 2 am, playing Rook with my brother in law & sister in law, then slept in passed 9 the next morning, BUT some things have changed for good. For the first time in my life I've stopped using the excuse "I'm not a morning person." And although I still frequently seek out a mid-day nap I am well aware of the connection between how much I move during the day and how well I sleep at night.
Last Sunday was Daylight Savings. Roland still hasn't adjusted. Having family in town last week, which lead to several late nights in a row for him hasn't helped. His bed time (ie: when he'll consider going to bed) has been pushed back by about an hour and a half. But that also means that he's not waking up until 9 am every morning. That means that I have been waking up before him, which is just bizarre. But it gives me some time to take in the day, instead of hit the ground running. It was nice this morning to be up and at 'er for a while before my little man, and to have my wits about me when I went in to get him, instead of stumbling in with bleary-eyed impatience.
It's been quite the experience to realize that not being a morning person doesn't mean I can't enjoy the morning... because what kind of excuse is that anyways?

Roly's Room

I did this a few weeks ago, but it took me forever to upload the pictures from my camera, so I'm finally sharing my latest creative endeavor now... drum roll... A collage wall in Roland's room.

I know it looks a little busy, but I love it!  I obviously still need to fill the frames & do some finishing touches, but here is the just of it. Shall I explain the process? I might as well, considering sharing this was the only intent behind this post:

• Bunting - The fabric was originally purchased and cut out for Roly's first birthday party. I threaded a single piece of yarn through the single sided fabric, and strung it up all around our back yard. I loved how it looked, but when I decided to use it in his room I wanted it to be less flimsy. I ended up sewing 2 triangles together to add more structure, and crocheting a long chain (about 4 wide), which I sewed each triangle onto. Now that I'm looking at the picture it looks a little cock-eyed. Apparently I need to straighten it out a bit. 
• Paintings - I used a few different types of canvases, mostly purchased from the dollar store or Michael's, and painted different patterned backgrounds onto them with the same neutral, yellow/ beige colours. I think I will paint a large 'R' on one of the blank canvases, and a large '__' on the other, for baby to be :) The tree was a long work in progress, and I'm happy that it finally has a place on the wall, in its completed form. 
• Clock - A birthday gift from my brother Joel, probably 5 years ago. Who knew I would use it in my baby boy's room? "Whoooo?"
• Animal Alphabet Poster - My sister in law, Shannon, got that made for Roly when he was born. I love it, but Roland absolutely adores it. He could stand at it pointing at the animals, and making noises for HOURS if I let him. He will stare at it for as long as I have the patience to hold him in front of it. 
• Frames - Some were purchased at the thrift store, and my mom gave me a truck load of mismatched frames last time I was home. I painted them with thick layers of acrylic paint. I put simple brown paper as a background for all of the the frames. I like the look. I'm hoping to get the following prints / pictures for the frames:
• A large photo of Roland and Baby for the big green frame. Until then I might even print a photo of Roland and my belly.
  Although let's be honest - baby is coming in 3 months! I probably won't get to printing a picture before then!
• A picture of the Savior. Possibly Jesus and the children. I haven't found the perfect print yet. I'm still on the look out. I would love suggestions if anyone has any. 
• A family photo of all of us. 
• Pictures of Roland and baby with cousins and grandparents.
• I already have pictures of the Vancouver Temple & the First Presidency in frames.
  Allow me to take a moment to brag about my child: He knows who to point at when I ask where Presidents Monson, Uchtdorf and Eyering are. The little smarty pants!
• The Quilt - I just had to include it in the picture. I'm so proud of it! It was made by me and my mama over thanksgiving. I absolutely love it. It really helped with my struggles with getting Roly to sleep after we weened him off the boob, bottle and soother all within a week's time. 

I love turquoise and green together, with accents of red and brown. For months I've been wanting to have gospel pictures in Roly's room. I just couldn't picture how to implement it. I'm delighted to have at least the outline done!

Pass the sugar, Sugar.

Oh SUGAR! You don't need to know me well to know that I LOVE SUGAR. When I was little I used to sneak into the cupboard, close the door behind me, and literally eat the brown sugar right out of the bucket. I still love sugar in most forms. Let me expand upon that. In no specific order, here are some of my favorites:

Vanilla ice cream with strawberries, brownies, oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, mars bars, lifesavers, candy canes, doggy doo doos, chocolate crinkle cookies, moose tracks ice cream, tiger tiger ice cream, Reese's puffs, black licorice toffee, mars bars, skor blizzards, oreo mc flurries, twix bars, sour keys, slurpees, any/ all kinds of cheese cake, 5 cent candies from 7-11, root beer, rice crispy squares, jolly ranchers, peppermints, fruit loops, popsicles, caramel apples, wine gums, hot chocolate, smores, jelly bellies, runts, skittles, hot tamales, mike and ikes ...

You probably get the point. I just wanted to illustrate the fact that I don't discriminate; while most people's tastes mature as they get older, mine haven't. Don't get me wrong- they've expanded. I enjoy a far darker chocolate than I used to, but the truth is that I will still eat that cheap waxy chocolate you get at Easter like there's no tomorrow. And nothing makes my mouth water like a clear little baggie of obscurely shaped gummies slathered in sour sugar.

My relationship with food is a complicated one (or maybe it's not) but we won't get into that right now. Now we will simply discuss the reasons I need to end this love affair that I have with sugar. Immediately... Or as soon as I make, then eat, a delicious something with the pack of skor bits sitting in my pantry, because can't start any sort of cleanse from the vile weed, with such a delightful specimen sitting within reach!

So the cons of sugar are obvious, even to a faithful follower such as myself. But allow me to outline them- perhaps more for my own benefit than for anyone else's.

1. My face is a tell tale sign of my sugar intake. Each bite of sugar I take appears within 12 hours on my face. Too much information? Perhaps. But let me expand further. The more (and the cheaper - NO JOKE!) the sugar I eat, the worse my face breaks out the next day. Each 2 bite brownie can be traded across the board for a zit on my chin. Perhaps due to the fact that it is eaten with less inhibition, or perhaps due to the actual ingredients, but a chocolate with a higher cocoa content does less damage on mon visage.

2. My butt. I am currently about 5 months pregnant. In the first 4 months I didn't gain a single pound. In the last month and a half I have gained close to 10. Oh boy. And the truth is, it's been an active month. Roly and I walk almost every day. We go to the pool at least once/ week. But alas- I eat. a few weeks ago I made a huge batch of cookie dough, and froze it, anticipating company, and different situations in which a fresh batch of cookies may come in handy. Well, it came in really handy on nights where Dave and I were sitting, watching t.v. and wanted some cookie dough. And lets just be honest with ourselves - EVERY situation is the perfect situation for fresh cookies. Several batches were made (and-cough-eaten-cough) that week.

3. My health. This hadn't crossed my mind until tonight, but this darn sugar habit may just be killing me in more ways than one. I have a rock solid immune system. I think that working with kids for years has given me the immune system of an ox, as I've been coughed/sneezed/peed/puked on by more kids than I can count. Dave and Roly catch EVERYTHING that rolls through. They just have to hear about someone being sick, and before you know it these two have it too!
2 or 3 weeks ago Dave and Roly got sick- coughs, runny noses, etc, and I stayed strong for a few days, but then I caught it as well. I put myself on a strict regiment of lemon-ginger tea and I felt better within a few days, while Dave suffered it out for at least another week. Well, it didn't take long until I was feeling it again, and even though it's been a few weeks I just can't KICK it. My cough won't hit the road, and my nose won't stop running.
I had a meeting tonight, and someone asked if I was sick. I guess they could hear it in my voice. I explained that I felt fine, I just had this cough and congestion that I can't get rid of. She offered up the suggestion of pregnancy congestion, which I had to dismiss. I've had/do have that- this is more than that. That's when someone asked if I ate a lot of sugar. I looked at her and bit my lip. She simply said- "That happened to me, where I couldn't get rid of a cold. Just think of the sugar as feeding your cold." The conversation moved on, but my thoughts stayed right there.
Could it be? Could my lovely little friend, Sugar, be causing all this frustration? Could it be the straw that I needed to break this camel's back? To get me over the denial of my addiction, and into a place where I can admit that I need to cut out all this crap I keep putting into my body and feeding to my baby? Maybe this realization is just what I needed.
And maybe, just maybe, it will be enough... and maybe I sat down and ate 3 cookies after that meeting ended, and before I started this blog. Let's be honest. It will take more than a little health scare to keep me away from this mistress.

CREATE.

First of all, let me introduce the topic of this post with a video. Watch this:

http://youtu.be/RhLlnq5yY7k

I love this video. It inspires me. The words President Uchtdorf says make my toes tingle, and it feels like everything in my heart and mind click into place. So often in this life I feel like there are conflicting values, ideas and pressures all around me. And the thing about this life is that we are given the opportunity to choose for ourselves what to follow- what to believe.

There are doctrines/values/principles that I have been taught, and that as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I truly believe. There are ideas/theories/practices that I was taught in Early Childhood Development, and in Child and Youth Care that I believe, and that I'm passionate about implementing in my own life. There are notions/assumptions/beliefs that I have about mankind that I've acquired through life experience, through working and existing with other human beings, that influence every choice I make. There are moments in my life, where all those notions, those values, those theories click into place, in my mind and in my heart. Those moments would happen, when I'd be sitting in class, the prof would be talking about something, and their words would ring true. The spirit would tell me that what they spoke was right, and that that my knowledge of the significance of our earthly existence, and eternal nature supported that truth. Those moments have happened at home, as I've been seeking personal revelation, through prayer, and scripture study. As I've done so thoughts have crossed my mind that have told me what I've needed to hear. Those thoughts have come in words of scripture, but they have also come in reminders of  experiences that I've had with other people. They have come through words of friends and family. My worlds are often colliding- and it is through those collisions that I feel most at peace. When I realize that the life that I'm striving to live is in line with my heart, and my actions.

Well! This video is a collision of worlds for me. President Uchtdorf speaks about the importance of creating. This is a concept that I hold dear. I know that I am happier when my creative juices are flowing. I know that times when I feel the worst about myself are times where I am stubbornly refusing to put my creative desires into action. There are times when I become frustrated with my own abilities... and to be honest, with the reactions of people around me, and I feel inadequate and incapable. But the truth is, I LOVE TO CREATE. And I love that Pres. U. tells us to do it! I feel closer to God, and most like myself when I am making my surroundings into something that is aesthetically pleasing. It's that worlds colliding feeling all over again- that feeling that "this is good." On all levels.

This one time, 3 years ago, I decided I wanted to paint something. I started painting a tree. Tonight I finished it. Yup. 3 years later. I like it. It has my 2 baby birds in it. It will go on Roly's wall, which after months of brooding, and humming and hawing I've made a decision of what I want to do there. I've decided I'm not holding back anymore- not letting insecurities and feelings of inadequacies interfere with my desire my make things beautiful, and make beautiful things.

I've decided to use this here blog as my platform of creation. To document my creative endeavors. The things I cut, paste, paint, tie, sew, crochet, cook, hang... and give birth to. 

You can choose to follow me on my journey to create, if you so desire!

Deep Thoughts... by Ali

Lesson I learned today:
Being kind of Hungry is a better feeling than being too full.

Hobby Horse

Dave and I have been hosting students for almost a year now. We've mostly had students from Japan- ranging in age from 12 - 26. And staying with us for a few days up to a few months. We currently have 2 girls from China, who are 13 years old, staying with us for 2 weeks. It's been an interesting experience, with highs and lows.
Highs have so far consisted of the following:

• Sweet gifts: handkerchiefs, picture frames, origami, paper, paintings, toys, books, etc. The top shelf of our book shelf is filling up with all sorts of pretty little Asian things. 
• We have learned interesting phrases and words in other languages. Dave's favorite is probably the Japanese word for McDonald's - "MacanoDanolodo." He likes it so much that sometimes he walks around the house singing it over and over to himself. 
• We meet and interact with interesting people, who teach us about their cultures and beliefs.
• We are able to open our home and teach others about who we are and what we believe. We are able to share our own personal values through discussions and simply living our lives.
• Hearing our student curse in the name of a pop singer when she stepped on a tack. I almost died laughing when I heard her utter the phrase "Oh my Lady Gaga." 
• Introducing new food to them is great. The looks on their faces when they are trying so hard to be polite, but have no idea what they are about to eat - and then they take a bite and we all relax a bit when they say "It's delicious!"

The lows include the following:

• When the words "It's delicious" don't come out of their mouths. I always feel so bad, but at the same time so annoyed when students don't like what I've made. Generally all of our students have been great about eating (and at least claiming to enjoy) meals that I've made for them, except for a few exceptions who were less than gracious about our hospitality. 
• Having to lock the bathroom door.
• Walking around in my undies isn't an option when we have students. 
• Attempting to explain complicated words that I've made the mistake of using. Sometimes I just wish I could rewind my words and start conversations over. I tend to dig myself into confusing little pits with my words that Dave has to dig me out of. 
• Finally, and worst of all: On each application for each new homestay agency they ask several questions, most of which I'm happy to answer. There is one question though, which I can't seem to concoct a reply. The question?
  WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES?

Uurrrrg! I hate that question! 

It's like when people would ask me "What are you up to these days?" right after I had Roly. What do you mean what am I up to? I feed this child 14 times / day. I change his diaper every hour. I'm constantly covered in milk and spit up. I am lucky to get a shower in, let alone, get up to something!

And so, when the question comes up - "What are your hobbies?" Dave, who is usually filling out the form, always writes "crafts," and then he, without fail, says "Ali, What are your hobbies?" And I look at him, with a blank face, and I shrug my shoulders.

I don't know. I don't know what my hobbies are. I've lost all sense of hobbies. I can tell you what I like:

I like the colour green. I like folding laundry when it's fresh out of the dryer. I like icecream... a lot. I like cuddling on the couch. I like to doodle things like leaves and swirls. I like musicals. I like new socks. I like mountains. I like plaid. I like to paint pictures. I like to blog. I like snow. I like it when it's rainy and sunny at the same time. I like puddles. I like table cloths. I like the cello. I like babies. I like going through all the aisles at the grocery store. I like facebook. I like it when Dave giggles. I like to floss my teeth. I like using a straw to drink things. I like to go for bike rides. I like to go for walks along bodies of water. I like to organize things. I like sour cream doughnuts from Tim Hortons. I like cooking new things. I like making the same 3 cookie recipes over and over and over. I like CBC radio. I like paper lanterns. I like maternity jeans. I like it when my car is clean & fuel tank is full. I like earrings. I like chicken noodle soup. I like dancing in the kitchen. I like volleyball. I like to crochet toques. I like to hike up mountains. 

Ok... you get the point. I like things. Also, I do things. I just don't know how to answer the question "What are your hobbies?" Maybe one day I will gain a hobby that's exciting enough to include on a homestay application. Until then I will include "flossing my teeth."